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Characters Fleshed Out
Rather than character's flesh
PMR reads BDB 
20th-Apr-2013 07:48 am

Well, you'll be happy to know that on the Easter holidays, while the kids were interrupting me, I couldn't do any higher thinking. So I read the first book of the Black Dagger Brotherhood. And since Thyra likes to spread her pain about, I figured I'd do some funny insights about what I learned from this book, and about SVM in the process. I'm not going to give page numbers. I read this on my Kindle, so I just don't care enough to make it exact. Search the words in your Kindle or on Google. This is not a post where the quotes in context actually might matter to you.


1. Male Body Proportions and "You married a guy around your height, didn't you?"

I am 5'5.5" (the .5" is important when you're this short) and Mr. Minty is 6'. You know what I can't do? I can't kiss him on the mouth without his consent unless I stand waiting on a kitchen chair and crash tackle kiss him as he goes past. I can't:

"And then she lifted up onto her tiptoes and put her lips to his."

That's what I can't do.

The difference between 5'5.5" and 6' is 6.5 inches. The difference between 5'9" and 6'6" is 9 inches. You've got to be kidding me. You've got no hope of kissing that man on his mouth without his co-operation. Yes, Mr. Minty always co-operates, but you can't tell me you can surprise a guy like that with a kiss on his lips. Unless "lips" is code for "nipples" or "cock".

Even though there's not a huge difference in height between Mr. Minty and I, I always notice you must have married a man around your height if you do this. There are things some writers take for granted when they create these pairings, and one them is surprise kisses. Yes, yes, I understand that it's a whole "tall men are the sexiest men in the world" but this is completely bullshit. Shit, could just one of you roleplay this with a compliant 6'6" guy? Otherwise, Ima see him as a 5'1" wonder who could picked up and twirled at will...or the female heroine who is on tippy toes has freaking flippers. Which would perfectly suit her to the guy she's describing.

This quote was by far, the most hilarious quote I've read in a while:

"Shoulders were twice the size of most males."

You're aware, right, that the average shoulder size for men is 18 inches. Meaning that this dude, while being a static height, actually has to have 36 inch shoulders. Well, behold your lovely freak guy:

But wait! There's more!

"He was tremendous, his shoulders wide as I beams, his legs as thick as her torso."
"And, ah, could you get me some boxers? Black? XXL?"

He's looking better all the time!:
Oh, and before you point out that this picture makes him look freakish because it doesn't put him in proportion? Well that's because it is in proportion, as stated by the book. His shoulders are only as wide as I-beams - which according to engineers, the standard depth is 50cm. Those things aren't very big, really, and that's an awful lot of shoulder in there.

But then we've got to fix him some more!

"his arms as big as her thighs"

I don't think this heroine has fat thighs, since most of the time every single male is commenting on how hot she is. So I'm going to go with what looks somewhat in proportion to this freaky body.
Hawt! Totally!

Seriously, this guy sounds awful. I had to keep reading out the descriptions to my kids and my husband. They're pretty hilariously bad. And Mr. Minty had this to say when I pointed out the shoulders, and the fact that he's 6'6", and that he's 275 pounds at least.

Mr. Minty: With shoulders that size, what is he made of? Papier mache?

There is a time and a place for hyperbole. When you're describing a man's body, that's not it. It leads to all kinds of stuff-ups:

"abdomen was ribbed as if he were smuggling paint rollers under his skin."

I've seen paint rollers. They're kinda big. They're also kinda long. I'm presuming here that's she's not talking about any kind of tiny artist's ones, but rather real paint rollers. So this is what you get:


I looked around too to see if bodybuilders routinely did this:

"wing chair, his big body overflowing the arms and dwarfing the high back."


Yeah, that freak doesn't exist. Unless this is a kiddie chair, in which case the whole dwarfing thing doesn't happen.

I get that a lot of women probably don't really try and picture this guy in some particular way, and rather just go with whoever they think is the hottest guy closest to the description and don't keep track of what the author writes. She's really relying on your laziness to get away with her hyperbole. Based on my google searches for a bodybuilder in a wing back chair, I'd say Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is probably a popular stand-in for the freak described in these pages.

Mr. Minty also made me laugh when I pointed out that he was getting fitted for a suit, and I couldn't think that he would look anything like but a bear in shoes - hilarious, uncomfortable and ill-fitting. This is what Mr. Minty said:

He's getting fitted for a suit in a camping store.

The descriptions are generally uncomfortable, and they changed. For example, his hair got longer (an indication to me that you married a man with short hair):

"his great arms supporting his weight above her. His long
dark hair fell around her, mingling with her own."

Wrath is described in the beginning as having shoulder length hair. Your hair needs to be longer than shoulder length, because all this length of hair is going to do is get in your mouth while you're kissing. It's certainly not going to mingle with your own, particularly if he's up there on his arms. It's probably just going to get in his mouth. Hair moves when you fuck, particularly if it's long.

Oh, and whoa boy did I have issues with the description of Wrath's cock. It was in proportion with the rest of him? Really? Because this is what I imagined when I read that:

The rest of his proportions are screwy. It also changed where it was on his body. I couldn't for the life of me figure this one out. They're spooning, with Wrath lying behind Beth:

"His erection, heavy and hot, lay against her hip."

How the fuck? is my note. That should be touching her arse. And that's still what I'm wondering - how the fuck? Here's another instance of not knowing shit about anatomy:

"A melon baller. For the eyes."

This is far too small. The eyes are connected to the brain - and they shrink back into the head when you press them. You'd have to try really hard to use a melon baller on the eyes, and it wouldn't really work. You'd probably end up trying to do it, drive the melon baller into their brain because you used force, and then get gunk all over your hands. This is inept at best. Sounds good, works shit.

It still surprises me that most of the bitches who bitch about continuity errors and issues with CH's books are perfectly willing to overlook these epic screw-ups. I've seen many of them raving over how BDB is sooooo much better than SVM, and the author has the characters downpat, and writes well. You have got to be kidding me. By the way, I see this shit all the time in fanfic. You need to remember where his dick is, ladies. Otherwise some people will notice your bizarre origami sex positions, and laugh at you.

2. This Manpire is a Jerk

My first hilarity was this:

"Whether it was a chair, a table, a human, he'd just walk over the damn thing."

Oh man. I tried to imagine that. Some arrogant jerkoff walking through a bar with tangles of shit around his legs, and squishing the occasional small granny or disabled person who couldn't move fast enough. Then I considered that maybe he loves parkour. Lol - either one is hilarious to imagine. It's particularly hilarious if you've seen the following image clip:

I sat there giggling for a bit. It kinda ruined the whole tough man image to imagine such a ludicrous fuck doing such arrogant and stupid shit. Like he doesn't have any actual ability other than HULK SMASH.

And then that was later exacerbated by the whining of the dude that walks over people:

"Try persecuted minority."

These vampires are a persecuted minority? Sounds like the real persecuted minority is the people who have their backs to the door when Wrath walks in, because dammit, that man will bulldoze you with a sneer. Made even worse as I realised over time that he was actually blind, and didn't have some weird night vision vampire thing going on. Because that's hot apparently - the blind bodybuilder just barging through crowds without a care for the safety of others. And with such wide shoulders too. So silly.

I also laughed at his fashion choices. At one point he wore a black shirt, black jacket and black pants. But thought of himself:

Good God, he probably looked like a lawyer.

Lawyers wear something business-like and tasteful. You, Wrath, merely look like the stock-standard douchebag there is in every bar. You're not supposed to wear all black - no matter how cool you think you look. It's fashion faux pas and only men who can't colour co-ordinate use this style. Lawyers have more sense than this, and don't want to look like douchebags. Nothing wrong with a crisp white shirt unless you're a tryhard constantly wearing black as your colour. Hell, goths don't even do that unless they're also douchebags. Nice bit of blood red, a frilly lacy white shirt, etc. and they're good.

But this guy shows more of his jerkery through the whole text. With the whole Wrath will crush every tiny human who doesn't move fast enough, did we really need the escalation on a guy who - we're told - is bad news from the start?:

The female did something to his brain. Somehow managed to unplug his
well-developed self-control and put him in touch with his inner fricking psycho.

I don't see how bulldozing through bar patrons is well-developed self-control, but that's maybe because I'm actually imagining other people in the shot, rather than what would make a man sound as butch as possible. The shit Wrath believes about himself? Is mostly not true. He did actually go into hysterics when another man kissed her - and tried to kill him:

"Wrath was a lot of things. But he sure wasn't the hysterical type."

Just because it's growly and butch doesn't make him less hysterical. Hysterical is uncontrolled extreme emotion. Trying to murder someone for a lip press is the very definition of hysterical. Way to overreact, abusive stalker man. He wasn't particularly controlled when he was with her, either:

"He shook her until her hair tangled."

That's...a lot of shaking. She may get actual brain damage from that much shaking. Of course, most of the stuff is written without concern for what would happen to a real person. It's a little bit concerning to read in romance, really, because it can lead to real live people getting hurt. Talking about women's bodies as ragdolls can lead to women getting hurt. There is a really dangerous undercurrent in romance, where men hurt women, and the women are no less worse for wear. They shrug that off as if it's nothing.

That's one of the things I like best about Sookie - if someone squeezes her hard, someone bites her hard, there's no illusion that it does a fuckload of damage or that it hurts. Yes, it's not pretty or sexy. But here's the important bit - GETTING HURT ISN'T SEXY. So many times I'll read about something happening in a fanfic, or a book like this, and think, "Man, you've never been subjected to even a little bit of violence, have you?" So why the fuck would you write about something you haven't experienced - something that HURTS PEOPLE. I can understand writing from the position of "Your husband is your height" and wanting to make him the very image many women believe is sexy. It won't actually hurt their feelings if they find they can't kiss their husband on the mouth without his agreement. It will hurt women if you write things that hurt and then minimise them. But luckily it leaves me open to talk about the next theme.

3. Rhape Brothers

This is what I called them halfway through the book. Let me say, those names are confusing. When I first read about the names, I couldn't decide if they were emotions or people. Not all of the names have an extra "H" added to them, and so, if I read about an emotion at the start of the sentence, I couldn't decide if it was a person or an emotion. I was also waiting for a brother called "Rhapist", because there were a lot of rapey themes in this book - like stuff that lead me to believe this particular book, they were on a rape sabbatical, but would return to their regular raping schedule right after.

Let's ignore that he couldn't bear to do things to his wife (or whatever the fuck it's called) but he's fine with doing them to other women:

"He couldn't imagine putting Marissa through the things he'd done to other female bodies."

The mind boggled at this. What, rape and kill them? This does not sound sexy or enticing. This sounds ominous. If Wrath had said he couldn't imagine taking pleasure in Marissa, that wouldn't be. Of course, I was more sure when I weighed the rest of the book that Wrath is probably a rapist. Because this is the only uses he has for humans a la Trainspotting's Begbie, who won't get out of his fucking way:

"As far as he was concerned, there were only two good positions for a human.
A female on her back. And a male facedown and not breathing."

Considering he stomps people, and considering that he considers human women only good on their backs - well, my rape-o-meter was in the red. Particularly considering that humans are largely faceless to him, and don't matter - and he's left Zsadist alone with women he doesn't give a shit about:

"Well, and a couple of the brothers are just flat-out dangerous. You wouldn't
want to leave any female alone with them, at least not one you cared about."

Okay, WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously, even if you hate a person, you don't LEAVE THEM TO GET RAPED. This is insanity. How the fuck is this romantic? How does this make a man an admirable love interest? He'll let random women get raped, as long as he doesn't have to tell his friend not to rape people, or inconvenience his poor mate? I don't know how this guy is allowed to continue on his predatory rampage, when he's pretty damn open about what his intentions are:

"So I'll flip her a twenty. Assuming she lives through the sex."

Charming. Well, at least Zsadist fits him. Although it should be Zsadistic Rapist. That's the guys who rape and kill their victims - who are worse than the guy in the start. The guys in the start, who almost raped Beth? They just pinched her nipple. They didn't bite it off like Zsadist is likely to. Because when you get fucked to death, it's not through pleasure, and the damage isn't solely to just the vagina. Oh, and I did like the inference that a whore is worth only $20 if you want to kill her. So an insulting sadistic rapist who really devalues women.

Not that Wrath has been particularly torn up about it:

"But I'm not going to tolerate human casualties the same way
I used to, and not just because it risks our exposure."

What, you mean hundreds of years, and finally now you're seeing the light on why it's not cool to let some poor woman get raped and killed because you couldn't give a shit. Maybe women aren't included in that, since he doesn't seem to see any value in women generally.

This was the most baffling part of the books, honestly. I kept thinking "How can you have this rapist who kills his victims and be okay with that?" Like, why didn't he make it his job that if he needed Zsadist to fight, he at least did these poor women a favour and made sure Zsadist is under heavy watch the rest of the time. I mean, you leave this dude alone with a woman in a room for a minute, and he's already thinking about the ways in which he can rape her to death, and ready to act. And what, now we're supposed to clap hands for Wrath that he's no longer going to turn a blind eye to the horrific rapes he's on the fence about. Shit - people should be held to higher standards than that. If not, I want praise for 38 years of NOT RAPING PEOPLE. Decent behaviour that doesn't kill or seriously injure someone doesn't deserve praise.

Now look, I see the fact that Eric let Tara to go to her death with Mickey as similar. But then Eric doesn't try to say that he's a lovely guy, and Sookie never seems to indicate he should be praised for being not a rapist. In fact, that's one of the key complaints - that CH doesn't praise Eric as the be-all and end-all of romantic heroes. I think that shows us a chilling tale - of how we're happy to let women get hurt, as long as we don't care about them. It's fine if say, Ginger gets kicked across Fangtasia, because really, barring a few, no one gives a shit. CH, Sookie, and hell even Eric, don't make the mistake of making out like Eric is some nice guy. He just doesn't give a shit. And he's not made out to be a romantic hero. He's in the wrong genre.

It shows me that all a man has to do to be considered "hot" is just make a few mealy mouth apologies about how he's totally fine with one of his friends being a rapist, and that he might eventually see the light. I also - as a result - found it hard to root for the vampires. Why the fuck would anyone be on the rapists' side? So I wasn't. Even though there's these evil vampire slayers, one of whom is an attempted rapist of Beth, uh, why would I want to side with any of them. Yes, rape is an easy device to get your character hated (waves to Bill, jacking it in the bushes) but hey, you need to make your heroes NOT RAPISTS in order to actually use that device. I was kinda on the side of the vampire slayers really - they killed two prostitutes to draw out the vampires, but shit, Zsadist is killing how many women? And not because of some great plan to defeat his enemy, but just because he sees them without value - $20 and you can rape any random woman who crosses your path to death according to him.

4. Yo, This Shit is Tiresome

The whole ritualistic thing? Oh man, what a boring lifestyle. The amount of arsekissing that goes on in this story is unbelievable. We have the pointless ceremony with the kneeling for his fallen comrade. We have all kinds of bullshit about the totally lame King bullshit that Wrath has to do, but can't seem to quite grasp. Like, he's totally on his own case for being a coward, but as soon as he decides to actually King, the endless. fucking. toadying. oh my god:

"And then one by one, they came up to the bed and swore their fealty
in the old language, taking his hand, kissing the inside of his wrist."

Christ, I was waiting for the ritual to thank the King for eating toast that morning. For men who are in the grip of toxic masculinity, they sure did like to do prissy things. The whole concept of the vampires sitting down to their feast with delicate china, like they were gents from the 1800's enjoying a full tea service:

"Seeing a bunch of guys who looked like violent offenders sitting
around a table set with silver and china was incongruous enough."

Yeah, like junkyard dogs having a tea party. These bizarre things these men were doing - with other men. Yes, yes, men always love to use our shower gels, and they love a face mask or two, and they enjoy eating Brie and doing traditionally "girly" things. Some guys like knitting and stuff. But these guys - the Rhape Brothers? They're too busy slapping each other's backs and wearing singlets. And they wander round in groups. I was waiting for one of them to lead all the rest of them to the toilet together.

The men's identities were a hot mess of ultra-violent masculine traits, and a lot of feminine traits. Like fine with raping, but also want to have high tea. Do I mind feminine traits in men? Not at all. But they usually come from gentle men with a talent for self-reflection, not rampaging rapists who are like bulls in a china shop. It's almost as if this was all female leads, and then to make them "men" she just tossed some raping on top. Like men can be defined as being rapists, and that's the only real way to differentiate them from women.

Which, is completely insulting to men and women. I can tell you, there are female rapists. Rarer than male rapists, but that's not the cause of the divide of the sexes. It's not like one is "Men, better known as the Raping Gender" whereas the other is "Women, better known as the Rape Victim Gender". Remember - both men and women can be full characters. Not only that, but almost every single male character has these double standards for rapists. Fine if it's a brother who rapes, kill someone (who's not Zsadist) for thinking about raping Beth. It even sullies Butch, who doesn't have a reason as to why it's okay if Zsadist rapes women to death for the sake of the vampire race:

"Vampires or not, he understood these guys. They spoke his language.
Related to the world like he did. He felt comfortable around them."

Wait, didn't he want to kill rapists in a totally vindhictive and revenghe kind of way? Lol - see what I did there. This is the guy against rapists, but five minutes communing with some rapists and murderers, and Butch is now fine with them? Yak. He'll probably go on a bathroom trip with them all now, since they're constantly buddy-buddy with each other.

5. Nonsensical Female Lead

This is where I saw the most similarity to what readers seem to want Sookie to be. With the rather milquetoast Mary Sue, Beth. For the first part, I see an all too familiar trope of the woman stuffing her face with crap. Beth ate no actual meals during the course of the book - that's right, it was all junk food. Lollies, cake, biscuits, mac and cheese. Beef with broccoli mentioned, but never actually eaten.

Some of this is fine in moderation. I've been known to have mac and cheese as a fun thing. What's completely weird is the eating of all the other crap. Now, I think I know why this features so heavily in romance. It's all about body image, and eating habits. Women are constantly feeling like they should eat only salads, and work out for a few hours a day. Romance provides an escape from that tyranny. The female lead always eats shit, and she always has a perfect figure and flawless skin. This is just as much a dream as the 'perfect' mutant she's with. That a woman would be free to live solely on chocolate cake, and never have any bad effects.

It's not really a bad thing, as much as it's a sad indication of what we do to women - that eating food that is bad for you is kind of a wish-fulfilment type dealie. That one of the things women dream of is being able to eat what they want without judgement. Because that's why she has a perfect figure and flawless skin - so no one can "tut tut" her. At least theoretically - in real life, every single woman gets a "tut tut" at some point in her life. I lost the guilt over food a long time ago, so it doesn't really affect me. If I want a whole slice of cake, I will eat that slice of cake. I've come to terms with being human, and don't really give a shit about anyone else. I have no proto-anorexia, but I think it's a little sad that it shows up in romances so damn frequently. I see it show up in this fandom a lot too. The very popular idea in fanfic that one end of Sookie is in a trough, and one end is wrapped around Eric.

Like fanfic Sookie, this chick needed more sleep than is healthy. She was put on hold like a dormant robot when Wrath wasn't around, only to be voice activated when he returned. This has no actual meaning, except it doesn't pass the Bechdel Test. If a woman is only active when a man is in the room, or relevant to the storyline, you've fucked your strong female character. But hey, no surprise there. By God, though, this is lazy-arse writing. I know no one else is going to wonder what she's doing for the four to five hours he's out, but shit, couldn't she just watch TV or embroider or something. Rather than double as one of those creepy sleeping Japanese sex dolls?

Of course, I'd suggest friends, but Beth doesn't have those either. She has guys who want to fuck her, but no friends. As evidenced by the groom's side hogging all the seats at the wedding. But one line from the only other female characters made me laugh:

"I've brought a gown for you, in case you don't have one already."

Consider that for a moment, would you? How many of you all had a spare fucking wedding dress in your closet when you had no boyfriend? And might I point out, she was also an orphan, so it's not as if it would be her Mum's. Lol. I don't know. Maybe there's a bunch of weirdo women out there that just go out and save up for a wedding dress, and then save it for when you actually get married. That's bizarre, and I don't think it happens. After all, the ads I've seen of wedding shows, there's always some sort of drama about buying the dress, but I fully admit to not being terribly interested in weddings and such.

And then to top it all off, this joke of a character accidentally her job. Like one day, it's kidnapped, next day, it's passive aggressive resigning. It was like it never crossed her mind. Despite all the talk about the desperate push, and how good she was at her job, and her dedication, she totally ankled that thing in order to sleep while waiting for Wrath. *Slow clap* Women everywhere will praise the amount of thought and care Beth put into her ambition and drive, which disappeared into nothingness.

Here I was, thinking there'd at least be a fight like I see in the majority of Sookie fanfic. But nothing. Now I realise why Sookie always gets a beatdown for thinking about working - she has to be punished for wanting to in the first place. As I said before, nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home wife or mother, but that's not what Beth is. She has that poor eager servant guy, who's glad to be treated like a human being, so she's not actually doing anything other than being a fuck toy. Fuck toy is not my idea of a dream career, which I could talk about my accomplishments. No one in polite society wants to hear about the "Unlocked Achievement: Got another inch of cock down my throat". Which is cool, because Beth is a Nigel-No-Friends.

PMR You Missed The Point

Yeah, yeah. I've said it - and heard it said - that the purpose of these books is fapping material. And it had plenty of that - including one memorable scene:

"When he came, he felt like he'd been ripped in two, the bursts of energy creating a
shock wave that went through the room, shaking the furniture, blowing out the candle."

Lol. That shit is stupid. You shouldn't have to reorient the furniture just because you had sex. I'm always stuck by the fact that in scenes like this, the windows are rattling, the expensive heavy furniture is shaking, flames are being extinguished, and yet the sex partner does not seem to get any buffeting. For all of those of you who are fans of the book, maybe this will help you have a new fantasy of what having sex with a guy like this would look like:

You have my loving permission to fantasise to your heart's content about some overly macho slash scene, as long as the orgasm Wrath experiences makes Askars look like this.

To be honest though? I was actually expecting more raunch, and more explicit detail. I can see why CH recently reassured readers of her blog that the gay scene in the latest book would not have explicit information in it. Neither did this one. I'm afraid I'm a jaded horror fan, and have read way too many sex scenes. Plus, at 16, reading Anne Rice and her alternate pen name of A.N. Roquelaure I expected more porn in this porn. I thought there would be more detail, but personally, it reads to me like the standard format of any romance sex scene. It gets a bit vague in parts, relying on you loving the character of Wrath so much you'll fantasise and fill in the blanks. From the raving, I expected less of the stock standard. I couldn't discern the supposed "hotness" but instead discovered the inherent "blandness".

It was pretty much Beth's entire purpose in the book - to be the thing that has sex with him (let's face it, she was a plot device, not a character), but it was better than the endless over-the-top macho bullshit, back slapping and ritualistic rituals that sucked. I'm just hoping that none of the Rhape Brothers meets his future wife thingie in a supermarket, or shit's going to get messy and children will be traumatised as they meet and fuck without control in the Fruit Rollups aisle.

6. I'm Jerry Springer and this is my Final Thought

Apart from the fact that reading this book gave me an !AHA! moment on the bizarre popularity of some fics - and I'm thinking of a particular one which changed Sookie's height to Beth's - then I thought over all, apart from the glossary (which I did not read) there was not much particularly new about this book that I haven't read a hundred times before.

It was in fact, a little weirder than many vampire books, because I've yet to read - like I did this one - a "Yeehaw" type action from a vampire. One of them slaps his baseball cap on his knee at something Butch says, and I actually wrote "Yeehaw" in my notes. Most of the vampires were dudebros, and the vampire slayer is obviously the creepy OCD nerd. I suppose at least part of the popularity would have to be the perceived "coolness" of these vampires, that I think is pretty mainstream USian-centric type coolness. It's a popular image that the US likes of itself - the surfer dude, the jock or the frat boy. Men like that seem to be the symbols of attainment for girls - that they bagged the cool guy. Throw in a little bit of black on the jocks, and you've got a winning combination. I couldn't really see the attraction for myself, but I do understand why it's attractive to other women.

But one thing I wondered was whether people read all that closely. After all, it seems to me from this quote, that the author insulted all of her fans, and I've yet to see any mention of the fact that the author seems to have contempt for the same people who give her money:

"Or just as offensive, the fiction is used to create some kind of mystique
for bored humans who think the dark side is a fun place to visit."

I'm absolutely sure here that this line is probably taken by fan as an indictment on everyone else, except them. We see that same sort of exclusionary thinking and denial of fact going on in this fandom too. Pam calling humans vermin doesn't actually mean the fans reading that fic are thought of as worthless vermin, and so Wrath having contempt to people reading about him is not thought to apply. The fans think of themselves as "on Wrath's side, so he won't hate me" despite the fact that that's a pretty pointed barb aimed at every single fan. I kinda sat there with my mouth open at the audacity.

So that's how PMR read a BDB book, and it'll be the last one I read. Frankly, apart from the bad proportions, and the gleeful thought of this post, I don't think I could read another with virtually the same story over again. I'm just not burning to know the questions of "Will Beth ever remember she needs to get a life?" or "Will Wrath actually put a stop to the rampant raping, or was he merely referring to not killing anyone, and rape as many as you like?" or "What is the ritualistic form of thanking their King when he takes a shining vampire dump?" Truly, I just don't care to know. Oh, but if you like, I'd love to hear about the stupidest hyperbole orgasm you read, and how many men broke the speed of sound to show that Wrath's furniture shaking is the act of a wimp.
20th-Apr-2013 08:00 pm (UTC)
I love the blow by blow on this post. I couldn't get into this series at all. Now I am happy to knowi am not alone in feeling this way about shitty books!

21st-Apr-2013 10:21 am (UTC)
I just couldn't see the appeal of the characters, and I'm shocked at how many people laud these books as "better" than SVM. I think they must be huffing something. The story is only "How to fuck and kowtow to our King".

A couple of my close online friends have read them, so now I know what they've complained about. Lol. :D
21st-Apr-2013 12:26 pm (UTC) - Brain dead books
I've read about three quarters of the first one and then my brain imploded. Not sexy/entertaining at all. If I need to veg out there is always TV or watching the cat clean his arse, hey it may even be educational! The levels of misogyny in the BDB books is at an all time high, I like your take on them.
21st-Apr-2013 12:53 pm (UTC) - Re: Brain dead books
Lol - that was me with Twilight. But that was because the grammar was freaking awful. It had a triple negative at one stage. I just couldn't read past the meadow scene.

As for TV, well I had to endure the Playstation3 being plugged into the TV, and if I didn't want to throw up (thanks to first person shooters) then I had to look elsewhere.

The misogyny is pretty bad. I mean, which side to choose? The now sexually non-functional rapists who murder, or the killing brothers who rape? It was such a toss up who to give my love to! Or it could be the women who rave on and on about how freaking wonderful the men are.

Although, when I informed Mr. Minty of the names yesterday (we Wikipedia'd it) he suggested "Creehpy", "Shcary", "Misoghyny" and other fun and cool names. :D
21st-Apr-2013 04:42 pm (UTC) - Re: Brain dead books

The stoopid "h" in.every.freakin.name.

I cant.

22nd-Apr-2013 10:08 am (UTC) - Re: Brain dead books
Lol - and it was even worse. One of our choices for viewing material that night was "Mr. & Mrs. Murder", which we pronounced with an extra "H". :D
21st-Apr-2013 09:35 pm (UTC)
A while back I asked my FB friends for suggestions on books with good, strong female leads - someone recommended BDB! I didn't believe her.

I'd heard so many people go on about how HAWT these dudes were meant to be, and I just couldn't cope with the hawtness. I don't particularly want to read porn - I want a story, so I avoided like the plague.

Your diagrams though... thank you! My computer screen needed a clean, which it has now had after I spat the water I was drinking all over it.

All I'm left to say is...

OMG! HAWT! Can't wait for the next chapter!
22nd-Apr-2013 10:13 am (UTC)
"Strong female leads" just seems to mean nothing nowadays. It's become a catchphrase that people don't understand, but just randomly apply to shit.

To be honest, there was less porn than I was expecting, but it was all that sort of lady porn - you know, about how the orgasms he has are wonderful, and she's mostly a hole to masturbate into. Much like the permaboner list, but not quite so consistently gross - it vagued it up quite a few times.


No next chapter. I've been a good girl all year. I don't deserve that kind of Torhment or Torhture (both character names in this piece of dross).
22nd-Apr-2013 10:56 am (UTC)
Well the books I've sent you a recommendations for do seem to have a "strong female lead" with other reasonably well fleshed out female characters (and male) and if you can cope with the randomness of some stuff being hinted at (they're mysteries) and other stuff being explained in minute detail, then they're worth a look.

It's so sad that so many women DO seem to just want to be a glorious hole. I was looking at Kate Middleton as was in the paper the other day and thinking how sad it is that a promising young woman has been manufactured into a glorified baby making clothes horse by both the media and Clarence House.

I didn't mean a next chapter of BDB, I meant a next chapter of PMR ramblings... I wouldn't inflict the pain of another BDB book on my worst enemy! (well... Maybe if that person was a literary buff and I REALLY didn't like them...)
23rd-Apr-2013 11:17 am (UTC)
I put them on the list. You've got a few books ahead of you.

It's kinda sickening that that's her sole purpose in life. It seems pretty damn antiquated, and I can't believe they still do all those tests on virginity. Yuck.

Oh, well that should be out relatively soon. We've only got a few days to go. EXCITING! And recommending something like BDB to anyone like that may result in a death (yours or theirs). Twilight still has it beat. BDB grammar is good, whereas Twilight has the cardboard cut out *and* bad grammar.

24th-Apr-2013 10:50 am (UTC) - Your public service
Sooo…I don’t have to read this series, and can shelve it away in my head as ridiculously stupid. (Thank you for that.)

I’m 5’6.5” (I hear you on that half inch!) to Mr. MNM’s 6.’ I have no trouble reaching his lips, but I don’t know how the hell I’d get in his face and surprise him without bumping heads or noses. And these vampires don’t sound like finessing sports, what with those massive shoulders and parkour tendencies (lol!)…so…not good for surprise kissing unless you’re quick with the dodge on your flipper feet.

Hyperbole orgasm just makes me giggle. That’s why I love Sookie’s irreverence in the bedroom. I’d much rather try to imagine what gave her that cramped thigh than read about them floating off the bed, shutting down the electrical grid, or interfering w/ other folks going about their daily life. (That’s just rude.) And how do you top it? It gets ridiculous-er and ridiculous-er.
25th-Apr-2013 04:57 am (UTC) - Re: Your public service
It is quite ridiculously stupid, really.

Half an inch - or even your whole inch - makes all the difference. I am envious of your increased height. But yeah - with these guys, they'd be liable to smash your face in.

Man, I have been wondering about the whole cramped thigh thing for ages. Lol. And I read someone once give CH a good laugh because they were speculating when Eric and Sookie had sex in DAG, I think, and Eric speaks in a foreign language that he was saying "I have a cramp in my leg". Lol.

They do get ridiculouser and even more ludicrous. Some of the extent that they go to is silly. I've read about the roars and screams fine, but when they start to effect the physical world merely from their orgasm? Lol.
26th-Apr-2013 04:11 pm (UTC) - Dhisbelief and Dhisappointment...
I just can't believe you are dhissing these quality books?!? You, of all people.... Okay I couldn't really get that out without laughing....loudly!

I will admit that I have read several of these books... but people, they are rhomance books with a capital R (and an additional h stuck in to make it sound more mysterious) that venture into the paranormal world and a rather poorly built world it is. This is summer reading on the beach type material...no thinking required - bc its better without thinking. Then you don't notice the impossible sex positions and body proportions - your diagrams are fab btw.

One of the things I love about CH is that her vamps are really living in her world. (yes - that was a weird sentence). They have business', they work, they have to deal with with politics. I enjoy them grappling with humans and other supernaturals. The bites can hurt and aren't all orgasmic and its not a foregone conclusion who will end up together. There's too many things with JW that just don't fhly when you look closer. These books kind of remind me of some ff I've read.

Why does a hero always have to be a huge tall guy? And of course he's huge all over...so his phenis is gigantic. (again great pic) When he finally beds his lady she is always tight but he somhow manages to properly sex her up (the word pound is so overused) but somehow his gigantic cock doesn't split her in two. Its a ahmazing! If these vampires seriously are out in public I can't believe that WWF hasn't set up a recruitment camp there yet...oh yeah they probably just use their vhampire jedi mind tricks to make everyone forget everything all the time.

JW has quite a 'whorld' complete with a slaves and a class of women who's sole purpose is to be used for sex and blood. The more you think about it the worse it gets...

Thank goodness for CH for real characters and some real women (and for going with Maker and not Mhaker!)

(Sorry to ramble. I couldn't respond until now and who knew that the internet vomit out so much about DEA...I think I'm babbling to avoid succumbing to your next posts....) Have a great day! (or should I say dhay?!?) Vi

26th-Apr-2013 08:35 pm (UTC) - Re: Dhisbelief and Dhisappointment...
We were adding stupid H's to words for days after reading the character list and giggling. So silly.

They're definitely Rhomanhce books. The world falls away while the two characters bone. I noted at one point that his Brothers were sitting upstairs waiting for like 12 hours, and that included a boning section. I'm not sure why you need spectators for this, but it's the done thing in romance. I always notice the skew-if body proportions and where arms should be. I'm also excellent at re-arranging furniture - which is a real world benefit of this skill, so I'm happy to provide.

Lol - living. But yeah, I like that too. They have to work, they have to deal with other vicious killers that are sometimes just as good as they are. They don't need to 'play with prey' as these brothers boasted, cause they have shit to do. And the whole FF thing - man, I can't believe how much blatant plagiarism there is going on. And yet they accept that they're "brilliant writers who do better than CH"? No. You just copied someone else, dude.

I would never normally say this but I LOVE PHENIS. :D These guys are hardly low key inconspicuous guys anyway. That one that morphs into the freaking wherewholf is just so stealthy. Undoubtedly, they'd rove around in large, loud gangs, and people would shrink away, particularly looking at those shoulders, and the ability to have a cow catcher on the front end for miscellaneous people that get in the way.

Not to mention that if King Douche doesn't find you hot anymore, he can easily cast you off, and the shame is yours cause he doesn't want to use you for sex and blood. Plus, that's a rather stupid conception of vampires.

She definitely deserves Maker for not doing this shit.

Oh man, it's bad. I'll always warn here, but everywhere else, beware. People are losing their minds and posting spoilers without warning. Some jerk has even spoiled the Sookie section in FF because of their summary. Protect yourself and lack of knowledge.
26th-Apr-2013 09:09 pm (UTC) - Re: Dhisbelief and Dhisappointment...
Really its a bad mismatch of all different parts of what some people like in a romance novel. The hero's a king (cause who doesn't like royalty and entitlement especially when its unearned and at first unwanted), he's a vampire (cause vamps are hot and mysterious), he's larger than life (apparently by law the hero must be), lives in a castle with servants and dines on fine china. But don't let that fool you into thinking he's a pansied-ass sissy, no sir he's tough and a fighter. He lives in denial and drudgery until he sees HER. They fall in lhove, bhone and cue the HEA mhusic. Sigh.....

(And it is harder than I first thought to add in all those stupid H's.... and I too like phenis.)

At no point does any kind of reality really exist! Give me imperfect characters who do things for real reasons please.

Ugh...spoilers. I'm all about sanctioned spoilers but there is something malicious about revealing the end of a book (not to mention the end of a series). I'm trying to stay away but I'm afraid I already know THE key item just by my powers of deduction.

Thanks always for making me laugh....or would that be lhaugh?
26th-Apr-2013 09:22 pm (UTC) - Re: Dhisbelief and Dhisappointment...
HHHEA. You need some extra H's for that sort of ending. But yes - he's sort of like a market research aggregated love interest. Who cares if he's possible? He just needs to have enough vaguery for the reader to latch onto.

Whe shoulhd reahlly ahdd extrha ahight's tho ehevery whord. That was extremely hard to type and nigh on incomprehensible. And since I just watched "The Dictator", she should totally try a new character called "Mhaximum Occupahncy" or something like that.

Well, most of these rheaders wail that they don't want rheal lihfe. They want the fantasy. I can't think of anything more boring myself. I'm sure I could have a perfect life in a perfect world, but then that just makes me more dissatisfied with my real life.

Just make sure you go back and watch people losing their freaking minds, after you've read the book. :D If you like heap-big internet drama, it's spinning out of control. :D

Clearly lhaugh is the superior spelling *and* character. Although he probably should be called Rhape With Mhanic Ghrin and Lhaugh.
27th-Apr-2013 12:16 am (UTC) - Toonsie
Looks like you took a good one for the team there! :D I have a personal rule that I won't read a book if it has a 'hunky' male model on the cover. It's worked pretty well for me so far.
27th-Apr-2013 04:29 am (UTC) - Re: Toonsie
Hey, that's a pretty epic rule, and would work remarkably well. The book was terrible. I don't know why you would like this guy. :D
29th-Apr-2013 11:19 am (UTC)
HAHAHA, oh how I love this - and I`m so glad you noticed that I hadn`t received your tweet about posting it.

I don`t think I have much to add apart from my laughter. Now I can`t wait for you to read Immortals after Dark. The first book in the series goes like this:

"Vampire has been chained to the wall of a basement for XX (can`t remember but it was a LONG time) years. Supe female walks by and vampire smells *his* mate. Vampire gnaws off his hand *ugh* to get out of imprisonment and follows mate. Mate is a kind of supe vampires are at war with so he hates his mate. She is still his mate so he abducts her. And rapes her. He does say he`s sorry for raping her before he does this but it was really her fault for being around and smelling the way she did. Supe female falls in love with vampire. Vampire sees that supe female isn`t so bad anyway. Cue to happy ending."

And I`ve read five or ten more books in that series. I can not be blamed for not being thorough in my readings ;-)
30th-Apr-2013 11:38 am (UTC)
I completely fucked it. I often hit the - and then backspace because it's next to the 0. This time I added a space too. So you never got it. Luckily I had to frantically check my twitter for a spoiler warning, or I would never know.

Holy shit that sounds bad. But you keep adding to my reading list, missy! So many bad books you've given me! Lol - some good that turned bad too.
30th-Apr-2013 01:51 pm (UTC) - And this time with a log in
You should use tweet deck. I`ll automatically give you the nicks of the people you`ve tweeted the most to. Perfect for senior citizens like myself who have a hard time remembering what we ate for breakfast.

Yeah well, Downside Ghosts is on your good stuff reading list. This series is on your list for Easters to come ;-)

And - to my defense - it wasn`t easy to see how Jane True would turn to shit. It started out so well
30th-Apr-2013 05:30 pm (UTC) - Re: And this time with a log in
I got your back. :D

I use the little "sharing" buttons down the bottom of the post - so I never get to see Twitter nowadays. If I did, that would mean one less post.

I have Warm Bodies yet. Which you also put on my list *ages* ago.

No, you didn't see that it would turn to shit. But that's not your fault. Books 1-3 lull you into a false sense of security.
2nd-May-2013 07:22 am (UTC) - Re: And this time with a log in
You can always cheat and go see the Warm Bodies movie ;-) Not as good but watchable. I found it hilarious. It isn`t a spoof as such but it has a few ridiculous elements that I see as deliberate. The overall question "what makes us human?" is a good one, though.
3rd-May-2013 10:37 am (UTC) - Re: And this time with a log in
With my luck, it'll be easier to read the book. It'll happen sooner, that's for sure. :D
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